I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
