someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
