you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
