I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
