maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
