apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
