I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize