the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
