someone threw a dead crab at me
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
