with your own penis?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
