So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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