i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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