On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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