So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
