The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize