I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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