his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
