I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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