Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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