i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Drake has all the answers
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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