And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She swung at the pinata with crutches
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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