very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
