I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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