I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
