Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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