Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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