I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
