hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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