The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize