John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize