im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
