You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
it hurts more in the daytime
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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