toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
