I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
