Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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