guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
