70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
