You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
