The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
