Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
