im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
