C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
