I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
