we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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