My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
