She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
