Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
