No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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