A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
