you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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