Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
