Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
