I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We were destined to go to rehab together
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Randomize
