I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
