thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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