I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
