Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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