Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Randomize
