is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
