You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
