It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
