I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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