I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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